Sometimes school is so busy that finding the time for writing can be the hardest task to keep up with. That isn’t to say that there weren’t many occasions which I found that were important enough to keep track. It’s just that work has been utterly exhausting. Between one of my co-teachers going into labor early and leaving me with a content I have never taught before (in a pilot course no less) and preparing for our annual drudgery known as the Access test, I have been extremely overworked. Simply stating that my stress levels are high would be equivalent to stating that boiling water is hot. No shit.
What is worse is that I am feeling the internal pressure to get off my rear and work on my thesis project. I say internal because that is exactly what it is. No one is expecting me to finish this. The project is completely on me now. I must find a way to motivate myself to getting this proposal together so by next quarter I can begin collecting data. That leaves me with about 4 weeks. Saying it like that makes it seem like I have an eternity. Having anxiety means I stress about it every night but still sit on my phone instead of looking at the sources I’ve collected and collaborating with my thesis chairperson. Even now, I’m struggling to write and keep off my phone.
However, in all my stress and anxiety a few things have been keeping me afloat. One is my hubris. While I have never seen anyone write or say this aloud, it is definitely true. My internal desire to complete the tasks at hand and not have any help in their completion drives me to take on sometimes insurmountable tasks. Other times, I take on tasks just because no one else is. Or I’m the first to jump the gun. Either way, my pride pushes me further than anything else, and I’m more than willing to admit it. Yet, this past week wouldn’t have been accomplished without my student teacher. She saved the day in more than one instance and for that I am grateful. She is as competent as many other teachers in the building and learns fast. This saved my rear this week when I got sick for two days. So cheers to her. Lastly, my girlfriend has anchored me down in ways I never thought possible in all of this. There is just something about her that makes me feel loose of the chains of work and stress at the end of the day. It’s something I have never really felt before.
In sum, this is a note to myself that I am trying. That the light on the other side of the bridge is still visible, even if I’m not walking as fast as I once was.