I didn’t want to put this out in the open until my application was fully in the hands of the prospective university I would like to attend, but my anxiety is creating a mess of mental difficulties that I feel compelled to put on paper.

Originally, my intent was to wait until next fall when the schools started opening up their application windows. However, as I was browsing through different programs and researching which program would be my best fit, I found one that has a much later application window than the others. Normally, I would have skipped by this because I had my mind set on two other schools, but something caught my eye that I found impossible to pass up; a complete focus on diversity and equity in education as a doctorate focus.

Many programs I have found have some focus on equity in education, but this one is unique in that its primary focus is on diversity and equity. Even the courses on leadership are studied from the aspect of equity. When I saw the course list, the deal was hard to walk away from. In fact, my OCD/ADHD kicked in like a rocket engine.

This is where my anxiety took off too. I started to doubt myself, even with my rational self saying that it would be okay if I do not get in this year. Considering that universities have to select the best candidates for a program like this, I may not get in. That is the reality of life. But my anxiety then tells my body to stop and quit while I am ahead. It’s pushing through that desperate feeling of comfort and defense of rejection that has me struggling the most, no matter how much I rationalize that the outcome wouldn’t be bad. In fact, I can think of many positives to come from being rejected.

For starters, everything would be ready to go for next year. All my references and letters of recommendation are in line, my CV is updated and polished, my personal statement is ready to go and can be adapted to fit the other universities. On top of all that, my original plan was to wait until next year. Finally, it would also offer me more time to find other places and potential backup plans for how I might find a doctorate program in a place with a professional certificate that matches my interests.

So, I wrote all this down because I needed to get it out of my head. I need to stick with my plan and give this one a shot. Also, this OCD focus of mine is cutting into my leisurely reading time. I wanted to have the Brothers Karamazov completed by February 1st. That probably isn’t going to happen now.